A divorce is not an easy thing for a married couple so I guess you don’t need me to tell you that it could be devastating for the kids. But it happens. You need to get on to your life and the only solution is the legal break up. A very big problem is how should the children be told, when and more importantly what to tell them.

I’ve had a lot of friends that had to suffer because their parents divorced and I think there are ways to prepare your kids to face the feelings avalanche they’re about to experience. Here are a few tips I could think of.

When to bring up the divorce with your kids

Don’t lie to your kids, this time it’s not going to work. Most of the times children can see and can feel the communication difficulties between the parents and usually anticipate what is about to happen so if the two of you fight try not to mention “divorce” every time you raise your voice.

If you feel that everything you’ve tried is in vain and a divorce is the ultimate solution this is when you should tell your kids. My advice is to try and let them know what’s going to happen before they will see the change, usually a few days before your spouse moves out.

How to tell your kids about the divorce

Don’t use smart words with your kid, simple communication skills are the only ones needed. Therapists advise people to use clear words and simple sentences, that the kids will understand. Blame, could be the hardest part you should overcome. It’s not their fault the two parents are not getting along anymore and you should emphasize on it as much as you can.

Another advice would be, the whole family (both parents and children) to be there. The kids need a reason but don’t expect them to understand that “daddy had an affair” or “mommy loves her boss”. Just give them a reason they’ll accept like “We two don’t love each other like we did when we were young, but nothing will change our love for you.”

What to tell your kids when you’re getting a divorce

One other thing about telling them is that kids need to know what is going to happen with them. Will they change schools or move out with one of the parents and what role each parent will have in their lives from now on. Make it clear to them.

Your children may feel that the family is breaking up if Mommy and Daddy are not together anymore, this is why continuing to communicate after the divorce is extremely important. Do it on the phone, on the Internet or pay them a visit if you were the one leaving home and reassure them no matter what happens a parent will always love the child.

If the divorce is the result of family violence it’s well known that the child takes sides and will tend to stay with the victimized parent. Even if you’re that person, don’t put all the blame on the spouse. The divorce is going to happen because the two parents can’t get along anymore and because there’s no more love. When the kids will grow up they will be able to judge for themselves what happened, right now they just need to be safe and loved.

These are just a few pointers that I could think of, but searching online I came up with a few question that your child may ask about the divorce. Read them and make sure you have a proper answer when they ask.

1. Will I be left alone?
2. Where will I live?
3. Will I ever see Daddy (Mommy) again?
4. What happens if I get sick?
5. Will I stay with my brothers and sisters?
6. If I’m really good and never act up again, will Daddy (Mommy) come back?
7. Who will feed me? Will I have enough to eat?
8. Now that Daddy (Mommy) is leaving, will Mommy (Daddy) leave soon too?
9. My friend _____ had to move to an apartment and share a room with a brother or sister when her parents divorced. Will we do that too?
10. What did I do to cause this? Maybe it was (some recent transgression). Or maybe it was (something else they’ve done wrong recently). I’ll make sure I never, never do that again, and then we’ll all be together again.

As you probably read the whole article was about younger children. But what if your kids are not little anymore, what if they’re teenagers? Sometimes the effects could be even worse because added to the specific problems of their age they are living the drama of their parents divorcing. Don’t forget the medical help of a therapist that has experience with such cases, because it could be the difference between a child that can get over the critical problems of a divorce, and one that won’t.

photo by a bird named su

Managing a family could be a full-time job. You are constantly playing every role imaginable from teacher to friend and sometimes, even foe. Another big role parents must play is mediator between siblings. We have all experienced sibling rivalry even if you are the only child.

photo by siwasun

As a parent, managing fights between your children is hard and sometimes even impossible. They love each other one moment and hate each other the next. The followings tips are meant to help improve sibling relations.

Everyone is important

The older child and middle child are important too. We have a tendency to pamper the baby of the family. It is ‘expected’ but can be harmful. It may create tension between the older siblings. Instead, try to equally pamper each child knowing that each deserves it. Also important is tip 2. Spend time with each one of your children.

Spend time alone with every child

Even if it is 15 minutes a day. This avoids siblings becoming jealous that you are spending more time with the ‘favorite’.

Spread the responsibility

New baby on the way? Spread out the responsibilities of caring for the baby with your other children. Getting them involved means they will become more attached to their sibling and therefore develop less resentment.

Have family meetings

At least once a week sit down with the entire family to discuss problems and solutions to these problems. Perhaps shuffle the chore list during this time, or create chore that require cooperation between the siblings. Force them to work together and not against each other.

No favorites, all favorites

Do not play favorites. Each child has their flaws and talents. Focus on the good in every child so as to not play favorites because “Jane is smarter than Joey”. Instead, realize that each child is unique and consider them equal. So, treat them all as your favorite!

Don’t compare

Never, ever compare siblings to each other. I have often heard this from my mother and father, “…but your sister would be able to do it…” or “…why don’t you be more responsible like your sister…”

This creates a hostility between siblings through the pressure being created by the comparison. Instead, if the child is having problems, sit down and treat every problem in isolation. Each child is unique and therefore has unique problems and successes.

Listen to every child

Fights between siblings are inevitable. When a fight does break out there will be the ever popular “…but she started it…” or “…its his fault…”. Be sure to listen to both sides of the story. Even if you don’t have time, reschedule to a time where you will be able to listen to both sides of the story.

Only listening to one leaves the other child feeling left out and that his or her opinion and experiences don’t count. This will cause resentment towards the sibling.

Teach problem-solving skills

You can’t be the mediator for every situation. Teaching your children how to mediate their problems is a good way to mediate when you are not actually around. Teach them to negotiate when they want to share.

Teach them to talk through their feelings when they are fighting and finally, teach them that fighting with each other does not mean that they do not love each other. Essentially, teach them that the emotions they get when fighting are separate from their feelings for each other outside the fights they may have.

Some children cannot separate their in the moment feelings and end up thinking they hate their siblings because of all the negative emotions during fights.

Being a parent is like being a superhero

Constantly needing to watch over your children to make sure they don’t kill each other during fights, making sure they learn to share and play nice and being there to fix all the other wonderful messes children get themselves into.

The biggest and more important tip would be to listen to each child and value their opinions and experiences. What may seem quite silly to you, like fighting over a truck, is actually quite important to them. Validate this, teach them problem solving skills and teach them to cooperate with each other instead of against.

I wish you all good luck and would love to listen to your experiences.

No matter if you are a teenager or just married, you can be certain that your parents are still considering you their child, and would do anything to help you further. However, most parents think they should get involved in their children’s lives even when they shouldn’t, just because they feel (and are) responsible or because they need to be in control.

These can all lead to battleground instead of quality, peaceful family time and before it happens there are a few things you can do improve your relation with your parents.

photo by ktpupp

Discuss your problems

Young people are always very quick at taking radical measures when problems occur and this may not be the best option. If you don’t like the way you’ve been treated or you want your parents to do something your first move is to discuss your problem with them.

If you don’t, and choose a quick option like leaving home to get the stress away, the only results you will get is having your parents worried, maybe the Police on your trails and so on. Why you did it may never get discussed and you and your parents go back to square one. Here are a few tips on how to talk to your parents.

1. Comfortable and relaxed. Make sure you or your parents are comfortable and relaxed before you start a conversation about your relation. If you find them in a bad time the result is obvious, and you may not like it.
2. Focus on your discussion. Don’t watch TV, cook or play a video game while you are supposed to discuss important relation issues with your parents. Don’t be sarcastic or roll your eyes, show them respect instead and you will get respect.
3. Be calm. Using a warm voice tone in a discussion is always much more productive than one where people are screaming. Being cool when the discussion gets heated up, shows maturity and allows you to think well before giving an answer.
4. Explain. The thing parents hate is hearing “because I want to” or “because I say so” instead of the reason why you want or say so. Explain to them why it should be your way, otherwise your parents will think that you are against everything the say, no matter what it is.
5. Don’t interrupt. No one likes to be interrupted when they speak. So, unless you want your speech to be interrupted don’t do it.

Understand your parents

This is the life cycle with most of us becoming parents one day, and believe it or not we could face the same problems. You should understand that a responsible parent wishes only the best for you, but saying it may not be perfect: too much love, over-protecting and so on.

1. Moving out. Seeing their child go to college or moving to another state/city is very hard for a parent. This is why you should keep communication channels, like phone calls, emails, post cards, open. Pay them a visit from time to time to remind them how important they are, even if there are thousands of miles in between. Moving out is also a solution to show them you can do it on your own, too. It’s a sign of maturity.
2. Set goals together. Though this may sound hard at first, or after having a fight with your parents, will bond you together extremely good. This can lead to a lot of fun, depending on the goal and can teach both of you that each person should have goals to pursue. Sometimes parents only need a small thing like this one to understand that they are part of your life.
3. Everyone may have a bad day, including you or your parents be it at school or at work. It takes just a few minutes of talking or maybe a joke to get the tension away. If you see your parents stressed out, talking to them always helps.
4. Why rules? Your parents may have rules for coming home at a certain hour or want to know who you go out with. They don’t do it to have full control of your life but because they fear for your life, in a world where gunshots at the mall, drugs or alcohol have become a normal thing. When you will be a parent you will have the same fears for your kid and trust me the first thing you can do is not hiring a bodyguard but setting rules.

You may not believe it but your parents were once teenagers, too, living in a world that was so much different than their parents’ and one of the main reasons they’re afraid you’ll make mistakes is because they probably did.

If you feel like none of the above would be helpful (and I haven’t covered relations with parents that have their own problems, like alcoholism or drugs) you should look for counseling, maybe a psychologist. There is no shame in seeking help, because it’s actually about your life and your future.

I would be interested to know what you experienced with your parents and how you dealt with them. Feel free to comment below.

Have you been thinking about traveling? Going away for the Christmas Holiday? There are some important things to plan weeks, and even months before traveling. The following few tips are the most important that you should consider before escaping to the tropical islands or even simply visiting your family in a different state or province.

1. Passport, passport, passport. This is now the most important thing to plan for months before your vacation. Passports are extremely important for going outside your country even from the US to Canada, Canada to the US. Passport procedures can be a lengthy affair because getting together all the appropriate material will take more than a few hours. Also, you may need to take a day off from work to go and sit for hours in a government office. Finally, once your passport papers are submitted, it can take awhile, especially since you won’t be the only one getting away for Christmas. Planning to get your passport months in advance will also allow a buffer time if anything goes wrong, like losing your application.
2. Travel insurance. You may need to shop around for this. Travel insurance is a must for traveling and many will say, more important than the passport. If anything goes wrong, no matter where you are, you’ll need something to lean on. If nothing goes wrong, you’ll have the peace of mind of knowing that you will be covered if the unforeseeable happens. When I traveled years back I found the medication I needed was nearly double in the country I was visiting than back home, so having travel insurance eased my stress of not being able to afford it. I had bought insurance for 50$ where my medication came out to approximately 200$. This is a minor case, and imagine you or a loved one needs surgery or helicopter transportation because this could cost hundreds of thousands of dollars. Insurance is worth buying so go ahead and find your best deals.
3. Photocopies of important documents. Another important tip would be to make photocopies of your itinerary and passport. Bring a photocopy of your passport with you to use it as a backup in the event that it gets stolen or lost, because you do not want to be trapped in a foreign country with no identification. Also, leave a photocopy of your passport and itinerary at home, that way if worse comes to worse you can have it faxed asap. If in the event you go missing, I would not wish then on anyone, your family or friends will have an itinerary of where you are suppose to be and when. This will be a great help for local authorities to start a search.
4. Research laws, before traveling to a foreign country, or even state or province. What may be legal in one state, country or province may not necessarily be legal where you are going.
5. Customs regulations. If you will research laws as above, make sure you research the foreign country’s customs, too. When visiting, you should accommodate the best you can their rituals and customs, especially if not doing so will harm someone physically or psychologically. For example, some countries believe that pictures will steal their soul, so before taking a picture, ask the natives if they would mind.
6. Vaccines and other prevention. Know as much as you can about the country because you may need to get a special vaccine to keep you away from lots of nasty diseases. Call your friends that have been there or search the internet, but make sure you don’t miss this one on your list.
7. Money, money, money. These are not Abba’s lyrics is just a way to make sure you can come back home. When you plan a budget for your vacation you should know that anything can happen from buying something that you don’t need or maybe a lost luggage that would empty your pockets. You need a small reserve stashed somewhere. Be it a hidden credit card or a few hundred dollars in the secret pocket of your wallet or a traveler’s check you need to make sure you have it.
8. Check your gadgets. You will need a cellphone in case anything bad happens so don’t forget your charger. You may also want to take pictures, that means batteries and enough storage devices.
9. Luggage. If you fly then the first thing you should know are the items you can and cannot bring with you. Also make sure you stay under the radar with the weight of your luggage or the companies will charge you extra. Don’t forget to tag your luggage, or you will say thank you in case they send it wrong.
10. Misc gadgets. You may want to take your shaver, toothpaste and toothbrush, clothes for all kind of weather (you never know if forecasts are correct) and so on. Make a list of what you need before you start packing anything and just check on it what you’ve put in already.
11. Check your car. I have a few friends that would drive 3,000 miles instead of taking the airplane even if the price would be the same. If you’re car traveling or you just can’t fly in an airplane, then I suggest you to get your car for a check up. Tires, engines, lights and every other important parts should be checked before you leave.

These tips will help you better plan your vacation and to have a better time after you get there. You shouldn’t have to worry about medical expenses or being trapped in a foreign country! You should be enjoying the new culture, the new places and people!

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There’s so many times in life that we sit back and realize that despite using our time well, there’s still a lot of spare time we have. Just in case you’re not one of those who find that kind of time then there are two possibilities. Either your time is mismanaged or you really work 24/7. Being busy at all times may make you seem very involved in your work and other chores, but honestly does it spell out productivity.

What is productivity and is my life productive?

If you’re working in regular office jobs there’ll be times you’ll hear the word productive. The company gauges you on your productivity. It refers to the amount of work you can complete in a specified time. So each month you’ll be judged on your average handling time, attendance, discipline, timeliness, sales conversion and the likes. All of this is calculated and the company decides how productive you are for them. Truth is all of us strive real hard to be amongst the most productive employees at our work place. If this is true then why is it that we don’t gauge our personal life’s productivity?

The missing link

If we are so ready and willing to please at our work places which is just one aspect of our existence then why do we take things for granted around the people who matter the most. This is true in so many people’s lives. You’ll wake up, dress well and be willing to go that extra mile to finish your work and please the superiors. You create an impression amongst your colleagues and you’re well liked and appreciated at work. But is this the same at home? Do you make the same attempts to make sure your contribution and productive on the personal front match that of your workplace. At home you’re so relaxed because you can support on your family unit. You know that anything you leave undone or incomplete will be taken care of by someone around you.

The tell tale signs

This is how it is for most of us. If we’re expected to stay a little longer at work and finish a task, we may complain, but we’ll still complete it. However if your visiting your spouses family or have just gone out, why do we get agitated when expected to stay a little longer with the family? Why do our thoughts revolve around, how will I wake up in the morning, or I’m really running late, instead of just enjoying the moment?

The family cushion

Yes many times that’s what it really becomes. Each of our families however different they be, are the stronghold of our existence and that’s why we are here today. Every too often, we take this very family for granted. It’s our safe zone where everything we do is forgiven and everyone around you is making adjustments including you. A family is strong enough to survive anything and that’s why we just keep pushing the limits so often, what we don’t realize is the more we push, the, more they adjust. Friends and family make suggestions, but they don’t really complain even if they are hurting.

Review your productivity

Apart from the work front, you have a life, a very real existence and isn’t that what you’re working so hard for. Your attempt to strive for the better isn’t wrong but your negligence is. Do not neglect the people closest to you. Make yourself as useful around the house and be as involved in the lives of those around you. It’s a lot more rewarding and adds a beautiful meaning to your life. Let your productivity not just soar at work but let your life’s productivity be optimum. This isn’t as difficult as spending long hours at work. Spending family time, helping with household chores, dropping the kids to school, going to the fair with them, eating together at dinner, talking after along day, inquiring about friends and relatives, helping with the gardening, grocery shopping and even cleaning around the house builds your productivity at home.

So next time, don’t just sit back. Get up and do what it takes to make a difference

You know it and I know it that the Holiday season is very close, with Thanksgiving coming up and then Hanukkah or Christmas shortly after, you might be on the verge of cracking. Stress and worry might be creeping up on you.

Chances are, this will only get worse as the dates grow closer so I you may want to take a look below for a few tips that will help you relax and make the most of your Holidays because this is the time of the year when you shoud feel the peace in your soul rather than your heart pumping faster and faster.

1. Get enough sleep
   The less sleep you get, the less able you will be to cope with stress and anxiety. This creates a vicious circle as with more stress and anxiety the less sleep you will be getting! As days go on, you’ll be more tired, more stressed and the consequences are that more and more things will not get done. This can be nipped in the bud from early on, sleep the right hours a night.
2. Eat right
   You will need your energy to get through this eventful time so don’t skip meals and eat lots of energy filled foods. Keep away from alcohol and sugars that will make you more tired in the end.
3. Do not overdo and set your limits
   There is only so much one person can do. If you are in charge of getting the family together, cooking or decorating you might feel like you are drowning in responsibilities. Set your limits before starting any one thing. For example, you need to call your family and friends to invite them over for Thanksgiving dinner. Set a time limit to how long this task will take. Family and friends love to talk, simply remind them of how busy you are and that you will have plenty of time to chat during dinner in a few weeks.
4. Split the work
   Bring in your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, children, friends. Ask them to pick a task that they think they will be able to do. Not only will this alleviate the burden on your shoulders, by giving them the option to pick a task, but your partner(s) will not feel pressured into helping you thus reducing resentment.
5. Do not spend too much money
   Money restraints generate a lot of stress. Budget well and keep to the budget. This will reduce your stress during and after the holidays. Many know how much stress is caused by getting that credit card bill the month after Christmas. If you don’t spend more than you budgeted for, paying your holiday bill will be smooth and void of stress.
6. Do not get stressed if your plans aren’t working out as planned
   Some things you just can’t avoid and I’m thinking of cancellations right now. Plan ahead for possible complications and if something happens that you were not prepared for, breath, relax and know that stressing out will not solve the problem. It is only with a clear mind that you will be able to work through any complication.
7. Finally, cooking for the holiday stressing you out?
   Have a buffet! Have your family and/or friends bring something for the big day. Keep track of who brings what so that you don’t have fifteen salads and no cookies. The atmosphere will be warm and you’ll get lots of food on the table so everyone should be happy.

Following these tips will reduce your stress during and after the holiday season. The most important tip up there is the fact that you shouldn’t skip out on sleep or food because this is what gives you energy. You are not Superman or Superwoman and more importantly you don’t have to do it all.

By organizing and splitting the work you will enjoy the holidays as they should be enjoyed: by not worrying about, if everything is perfect.

[photo by danusunt]

We all know that adolescents and adults can suffer from low self-esteem. Little attention is paid to the self-esteem of younger children. Who would have thought that children could suffer from low self-esteem from the moment they develop a self-concept? The following tips are a few among the hundreds that can help you and your child build a health self-concept.

1. Give the child a chance to contribute to the family!
   Let him/her pick out a task or chore that s/he wouldn’t mind doing during the week. This task can be changed weekly. Even something simple can help the child feel like they are contributing to the well being of the family. An example could be letting the child dress himself or letting him help fold socks.
2. Encourage the small things.
   Sure, we all notice the big things that children do, for example getting an A on that hard math exam. It is important to encourage these big things as well as the small things! It can be something as simple as the child putting out the garbage without being asked to. Watch what the child is doing, for example, praise them on a drawing they are doing at the moment.
3. If they don’t succeed but they tried hard, praise them still!
   Children are very aware and touchy about failure. Telling them it’s ok to fail is extremely important.
4. Pay attention to them!
   It is often the case where children go unnoticed in families as a consequence of busy schedules and routines. Well, making just an hour a day to sit down with him/her to go over the day can help boost self-esteem. Feeling neglected and alone often leads to low self-esteem.
5. Talk with your children about their feelings!
   Children learn to appraise their emotions from their family and environment. You can be a guide to understanding their emotions by simply letting them talk about what made them happy during the day, and why. What made them angry during the day, and why. From here, you both can devise ways of helping the child understand emotions like anger and sadness. These emotions can sometimes be confusing for a child. An example would be a child being angry at his best friend. This might lead to dueling emotions. Yes, their friend made them angry but they still like that friend and want to play with their friend. This can be confusing for children!
6. Get your child involved in the community.
   Visit elderly homes, get them into sports. No matter what the task, children’s self esteem will flourish when they have a chance to be part of the community.

These are just a few of a whole list of things that you can do to build and maintain your child’s self-esteem. Healthy self-esteem is related to creativity, productivity, happiness and overall well being. So any help you can give them sets them on a good path.

[Photo Source: Flickr]