A divorce is not an easy thing for a married couple so I guess you don’t need me to tell you that it could be devastating for the kids. But it happens. You need to get on to your life and the only solution is the legal break up. A very big problem is how should the children be told, when and more importantly what to tell them.

I’ve had a lot of friends that had to suffer because their parents divorced and I think there are ways to prepare your kids to face the feelings avalanche they’re about to experience. Here are a few tips I could think of.

When to bring up the divorce with your kids

Don’t lie to your kids, this time it’s not going to work. Most of the times children can see and can feel the communication difficulties between the parents and usually anticipate what is about to happen so if the two of you fight try not to mention “divorce” every time you raise your voice.

If you feel that everything you’ve tried is in vain and a divorce is the ultimate solution this is when you should tell your kids. My advice is to try and let them know what’s going to happen before they will see the change, usually a few days before your spouse moves out.

How to tell your kids about the divorce

Don’t use smart words with your kid, simple communication skills are the only ones needed. Therapists advise people to use clear words and simple sentences, that the kids will understand. Blame, could be the hardest part you should overcome. It’s not their fault the two parents are not getting along anymore and you should emphasize on it as much as you can.

Another advice would be, the whole family (both parents and children) to be there. The kids need a reason but don’t expect them to understand that “daddy had an affair” or “mommy loves her boss”. Just give them a reason they’ll accept like “We two don’t love each other like we did when we were young, but nothing will change our love for you.”

What to tell your kids when you’re getting a divorce

One other thing about telling them is that kids need to know what is going to happen with them. Will they change schools or move out with one of the parents and what role each parent will have in their lives from now on. Make it clear to them.

Your children may feel that the family is breaking up if Mommy and Daddy are not together anymore, this is why continuing to communicate after the divorce is extremely important. Do it on the phone, on the Internet or pay them a visit if you were the one leaving home and reassure them no matter what happens a parent will always love the child.

If the divorce is the result of family violence it’s well known that the child takes sides and will tend to stay with the victimized parent. Even if you’re that person, don’t put all the blame on the spouse. The divorce is going to happen because the two parents can’t get along anymore and because there’s no more love. When the kids will grow up they will be able to judge for themselves what happened, right now they just need to be safe and loved.

These are just a few pointers that I could think of, but searching online I came up with a few question that your child may ask about the divorce. Read them and make sure you have a proper answer when they ask.

1. Will I be left alone?
2. Where will I live?
3. Will I ever see Daddy (Mommy) again?
4. What happens if I get sick?
5. Will I stay with my brothers and sisters?
6. If I’m really good and never act up again, will Daddy (Mommy) come back?
7. Who will feed me? Will I have enough to eat?
8. Now that Daddy (Mommy) is leaving, will Mommy (Daddy) leave soon too?
9. My friend _____ had to move to an apartment and share a room with a brother or sister when her parents divorced. Will we do that too?
10. What did I do to cause this? Maybe it was (some recent transgression). Or maybe it was (something else they’ve done wrong recently). I’ll make sure I never, never do that again, and then we’ll all be together again.

As you probably read the whole article was about younger children. But what if your kids are not little anymore, what if they’re teenagers? Sometimes the effects could be even worse because added to the specific problems of their age they are living the drama of their parents divorcing. Don’t forget the medical help of a therapist that has experience with such cases, because it could be the difference between a child that can get over the critical problems of a divorce, and one that won’t.

photo by a bird named su