Managing a family could be a full-time job. You are constantly playing every role imaginable from teacher to friend and sometimes, even foe. Another big role parents must play is mediator between siblings. We have all experienced sibling rivalry even if you are the only child.

photo by siwasun

As a parent, managing fights between your children is hard and sometimes even impossible. They love each other one moment and hate each other the next. The followings tips are meant to help improve sibling relations.

Everyone is important

The older child and middle child are important too. We have a tendency to pamper the baby of the family. It is ‘expected’ but can be harmful. It may create tension between the older siblings. Instead, try to equally pamper each child knowing that each deserves it. Also important is tip 2. Spend time with each one of your children.

Spend time alone with every child

Even if it is 15 minutes a day. This avoids siblings becoming jealous that you are spending more time with the ‘favorite’.

Spread the responsibility

New baby on the way? Spread out the responsibilities of caring for the baby with your other children. Getting them involved means they will become more attached to their sibling and therefore develop less resentment.

Have family meetings

At least once a week sit down with the entire family to discuss problems and solutions to these problems. Perhaps shuffle the chore list during this time, or create chore that require cooperation between the siblings. Force them to work together and not against each other.

No favorites, all favorites

Do not play favorites. Each child has their flaws and talents. Focus on the good in every child so as to not play favorites because “Jane is smarter than Joey”. Instead, realize that each child is unique and consider them equal. So, treat them all as your favorite!

Don’t compare

Never, ever compare siblings to each other. I have often heard this from my mother and father, “…but your sister would be able to do it…” or “…why don’t you be more responsible like your sister…”

This creates a hostility between siblings through the pressure being created by the comparison. Instead, if the child is having problems, sit down and treat every problem in isolation. Each child is unique and therefore has unique problems and successes.

Listen to every child

Fights between siblings are inevitable. When a fight does break out there will be the ever popular “…but she started it…” or “…its his fault…”. Be sure to listen to both sides of the story. Even if you don’t have time, reschedule to a time where you will be able to listen to both sides of the story.

Only listening to one leaves the other child feeling left out and that his or her opinion and experiences don’t count. This will cause resentment towards the sibling.

Teach problem-solving skills

You can’t be the mediator for every situation. Teaching your children how to mediate their problems is a good way to mediate when you are not actually around. Teach them to negotiate when they want to share.

Teach them to talk through their feelings when they are fighting and finally, teach them that fighting with each other does not mean that they do not love each other. Essentially, teach them that the emotions they get when fighting are separate from their feelings for each other outside the fights they may have.

Some children cannot separate their in the moment feelings and end up thinking they hate their siblings because of all the negative emotions during fights.

Being a parent is like being a superhero

Constantly needing to watch over your children to make sure they don’t kill each other during fights, making sure they learn to share and play nice and being there to fix all the other wonderful messes children get themselves into.

The biggest and more important tip would be to listen to each child and value their opinions and experiences. What may seem quite silly to you, like fighting over a truck, is actually quite important to them. Validate this, teach them problem solving skills and teach them to cooperate with each other instead of against.

I wish you all good luck and would love to listen to your experiences.